We apologize for the interruption. Your regularly scheduled blogging is about to be taken over by Things That Have Happened To Me, In the Past 24 Hours.

Note: So much of what I write is sarcastic, fanciful, and generally meant to be taken with a gallon of salt, but I am not making ANY of this up. I also laugh at myself most of the time. I am not laughing right now.

1. Went home sick from work after lunch yesterday, feeling an impeding bladder infection. Given that it will be (literally) my fourteenth infection in two years, I'm fairly attuned to that misery.

2. Get home, smear medication on Ophelia's bald spot (oh, yes - not technically included in the "last 24 hours" rule, but Ophelia's neck baldness is not a dog bite, but a rather disgusting sore of some sort, so chalk up "one vet visit and some expensive cream" on this List Of Gloom and Misery), and attempt to wash the goo/sore germs off my hands.

3. Bathroom faucet: "Ffft."

4. "...oh, SHIT."

5. Well, number five is rather convoluted. Long story short: the older apartment complex here has water included in the rent; the new one does not. I was originally slated to live in the older one, but swtiched at the last minute, and the difference never crossed my mind. I got a notice (October 3) informing me that I had until October 5 to switch the water to my name or it would be shut off. Called, changed it, no harm, no foul. Until October 5 rolls around and I have shit all over my hands at the exact moment the water is turned off. Scouring the American Water website looking for a phone number, there it is: "New account: allow three days."

5, in a nutshell. "Fuck."

6. Call water: "Sure! We'll be out Monday afternoon to turn your water on!" "...No, see, I have an infection that REQUIRES A TOILET, OKAY?" "I understand! We'll be out Monday afternoon to turn your water on!"

7. Stomp down to the leasing office to point out that they, technically speaking, were fuckwits who gave me two days' notice to take care of something that would take three days to clear. "Sorry about that!" "...Right. Thanks."

8. Call water: "Okay, I need a toilet RIGHT. THIS. FUCKING. MINUTE." "Okay, we'll come tomorrow." "THANK. YOU."

9. Rub my eyes in frustration, remembering too late that I still haven't washed the goo and sore germs off my hands.

10. Swearing.

11. Dog pisses on the rug.

12. Walgreens. Buy bottled water and antibacterial wipes. Snarl at clerk who asks why I've ripped open the wipes and begun scrubbing my face right there in the aisle.

13. Did I mention I'd come home sick from work and still hadn't so much as sat down?

14. Dog pisses on the rug.

15. Dog shits on the rug.

16. Not much else to do, I sit down to watch TV.

17. Cable: "Fzzzzzzzzt."

18. "FUCKING COME ON!"

19. Call cable: "Okay, I need a toilet RIGHT. THIS. FUCKING. MINUTE." "...um. Ma'am?" "THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, I JUST THOUGHT I'D MENTION IT."

20. Dog pisses on rug.

21. Dog figures out how to climb into bathtub and eats my loofah.

22. Dog in kennel.

22. Give up and go to bed. Sensing my pain, Ophelia climbs in my lap, rubbing my face and purring. And pisses all over me.

23. I'm not going to lie, it was at this moment I started crying so hard I was absolutely gasping for air.

24. Rip the soaked sheets and comforter (which I had just washed YESTERDAY) off the bed, peel off my soaked pajamas, step into the shower.

25. Shower: "Ffft."

26. "....urg."

27. Wrap up in a towel and head into living room to sleep on couch. Dog in kennel spots me and begins barking for dear life.

28. Still wrapped in towel and contemplating my wet mattress, I go back to the bedroom and sleep on the floor.

29. Wake this morning to barking. Throw on pants and scoop up Delilah to hustle her outside. She licks my face and then pisses all over me.

30. Peel off soaked clothes, step into shower.

31. Shower: "Ffft."

32. "...urg."

33. Carry sheets and comforter down to laundry room, contemplating an afternoon cuddled in bed waiting for the water people.

34. Elderly Korean neighbor catches a whiff of me and edges away.

35. Laundry card: "You have $0.00."

36. Walk over to leasing office to put more money on card.

37. Leasing office is closed for the weekend.

38. Bring disgusting sheets back upstairs, and, figuring that they can't make me any grosser, I flop in them.

39. Cry.


ETA: Okay. I don't know much about how the water company works. I have no idea what requires them to come all the way out here - they don't actually have to, like, put pipes in your house, yes? Just maybe open a valve? But no, they have to schedule you in, and it'll take several days, and you have to be home - they were very, very firm about that, they'd be here anytime from 9 am to midnight, and you HAD TO ABSOLUTELY NO EXCEPTIONS BE HOME OR THEY WILL NOT TURN YOUR WATER ON. So I've been sitting around all day, disgustingly, waiting for them to call - they were also firm about that, WE WILL CALL FIRST TO MAKE SURE YOU ARE HOME BECAUSE GOD FORBID WE WASTE OUR TIME COMING OUT THERE IF YOU ARE NOT HOME - I idly flicked on the kitchen faucet without really thinking about it.

And lo, there is water.

They have not called. They have not come by. I have no idea how long I've been waiting for them for no reason, while my water was quite happily running, which apparantly they do NOT have to be here to do, and which I do not have to be here to do, and which obviously requires nothing more than the opening of a remote valve.

I...I actually burst into tears AGAIN thinking about it, the fact that they openly, blatantly, literally lie to you and tell you that you have to sit around in your pajamas all weekend and wait for them and cannot so much as leave to shower at a friend's house and SO SORRY, NOTHING WE CAN DO FOR YOU. BE SURE YOU'RE HOME. GOD FORBID WE WASTE OUR TIME.

It seems trite and redundant and totally pointless to even say it, but just fuck off, water company. Fuck. Off. And. Die.