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March 31st, 2010

Barnes and Noble shouldn't have sales if they don't want people to end up terrified of their own homes. I realize this is a bold statement, but store policy should really back me up on this. I mean, SOMEONE has to be to blame for my reading House of Leaves immediately after buying a new house. At any other time in my life this merely would have been a psychologically disturbing book that likely would have caused me to have a midlife crisis - well, extended the midlife crisis I've been having since I was about nine - but at THIS point in time, just as we've committed a not inconsiderable sum and at least five years to a house that probably ate its former inhabitants...this is a very real concern in my world, okay? If a door leading to hell were to suddenly appear in my new home, there's a decent chance we wouldn't even notice it for a couple of years. Christ, maybe that's why the thing looks the way it does; the house has cleverly camouflaged itself in eye-searing insanity so that you won't even notice until it's too late. "Aha!" the house is clearly thinking. "I shall distract them with this closet! THEY DON'T STAND A CHAAAAANCE HAHAHAHA"

So when we had our home inspection this morning, I carefully, carefully documented the features of the house - even the parts I'd rather pretend I don't see in hopes that, over the years, I'll develop selective blindness to them - so that we have visual proof when the house suddenly births a pantry or something.

LOOK WHAT I DID TO THE MAILBOX WHEN IT REBELLED. YOU'RE NEXT.Collapse )